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Paul Evans Pedersen, Jr.
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Required Restroom Readings - $11.95
(Paperback - will be ordered separately through PayPal)

$7.95
(Digital Download .pdf)

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Music from
Paul Evans

Endlessly - $7.99
(entire album zip file)

Agua Noir - $5.99
(entire album zip file)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Click and listen to Paul's Agua Noir album audio version of one of the stories in the book.
"Water Me"

 

She were damned-fond of that thar tea-pot, she were.
Sho' true!
Said she found it on her junkin' trabbles one time.
It were the sun that was a-shinin' on it one morning,
When she spied that 'scription on the spoot.
“Water Me,” she told the peoples that it said.
And sho n' true … that's all it said.
“Water me.”

 

And every day, she watered it.
Lifted up that ol' toop, and splashed some water in it.
Fult o' sand, it were.
That’s it.  Sand.  Nothin' mo'.
And though she kept a-waterin' it everyday, “why?” was the question.
That was alwayne on 'er mind, you know,
Cause nuthin' never started a-growin'.
But she did what that ol' spoot spelt out, and watered it.

 

And that tharn Buck o' hers commenced on mo' than once occasion
To shimmyin' it off that little table she had it a-set on.
He said it smelled like a scootchin' pad...
Metally and all that, you know.
She caught 'em each timefinnersthe slipperies though,
And 'scued it from his mits, sheen did.

 

Well, it come and goed about six months tammy,
And suntly, all 'er hair startedon the flo'.
And, after a while, she done lost the use of her arms,
And then her legs,
And then, sho' nuff, she were gone.

 

And still nothin' come sprouted from that ol' pot she were so fondly of, neider.

 

And that ol' Buck of hers,
After they did the diggin' and a-buryin',
Grabbled that old pot one night betwixt the pissin'-abouts,
A-fixin' to finally chuck it in the bin out the door, you know.
But he dropped it, heen did, and out come a-rollin' these little bitty balls of light,
All formed up in a 'culiar shape there on the floor, they were.
So he runs from his house, ol' Buck do,
A fetchin' on the neighbor man,
Spittin' his story like a moogiddy goo la la,
And no's a-body understandin' a word nor here nor there,
But him tellin' the schnook about the globes a-glowin' on the floor.

 

And as they stood there, back at the house, and a-watched,
Out the winda and straight up into the sky flewed them globes,
Neighbor man and Buck nearly needin' a washin-tub, they did,
All goombly and gumbly, within' the fuzz on they arms doin' the hoo-hoo and the tingle-loo.
And them two ain't been seen back in the house since, goes the stowry.

 

And uppin thar, in the night sky, iffin you look a-sharper,
She sets there, on her chair, lookin' down, nowadays … yemp!
I see 'er when she comes out each night, just to the right of the Dipper, she sets.
I'm fond o' callin' 'er Cassie, yessir!  Always there, she bein'.
And I stares and stares and stares.

 

Ya seein'.  It was me that beled 'er to that old tea-pot, and doed the scrapin' on the spoot, knowin' what was to happen!
 

And she-in all mine, nowadays, you know.
I was never fondly of the sharin' thing.  Better to not bein' than to bein' sharnt, ain't it?  Uh-huh!
Now, it's the whisperin' I do everytime that we's alone each night.
 

I say it soft as the breeze a-rustlin': “Water Me” … .
Sho n' true!

Excerpts

"I feel it is incumbent on me to tell you that a woman died on that property.  She was murdered in the house, and was scattered ... her remains ... across the street.  It's still an open case ... it's five years old and they haven't got a clue as to who did the murder."

... Cross Keys Road

 

"And I wondered how she lost that freakin' leg.  It was no accident, I can assure you.  That leg was whacked off on purpose.  Why was the question.  Her sisters, both of them, had that leg.  But she didn't.  And that turned her from exquisite to extraordinary.  And I wanted her!"

... Her Missing Leg

 

"The water covered his head, and he could no longer hold his breath.  The nips of teeth were coming fast and furious now.  In the last instant of consciousness, he looked down, and saw the gold coin drift to the sea bed ... ."

... The Lure

 

"Re-dressing himself, there, in the middle of the aisle, he arrived at the conclusion that he didn't want to be any part of this train.  Too many weirdos, too many sickos.  Too many psycho-pathetic nimrods on this train.  He gathered his things, and got off the train at the next station."

... Night Train

 

 

"I'm going to kill you!," he whispered.  Then, the laughter ... the whispered gravelly laughter.  I tried to open my mouth to ask what the hell was going on, but I couldn't speak.  I was too scared."

...The Telltale Bed

 

"... when he all at once had to interrupt the call with Casey, because Dolly was standing on his porch, stark naked.  She was banging on the door, and when he opened it, there she was.  Naked.  She pointed her finger at him and smiled. made the sign of the cross, and said, 'I used to live here with my Daddy, but Daddy said, 'Not tonight!' "

... Dolly

 

"... He picked the cleaver out of the block, turned around, and plunged it into her chest, opening a gaping hole, mid sternum."

... Bacon

 

Standing there in utter amazement, I could do nothing .... but salute it!  I named it “Sir William.”
 

Because of obvious olfactory concerns, I flushed, still saluting Sir William.

It moved, side to side ... paused ... and slipped forever into oblivion.  And reminded me of the words of a great general: “All Glory is Fleeting.”

I will not soon forget Sir William's Monday!

... Sir William's Monday